The Itch
by Mainstay
Summary: [ This fanfiction has been indefinitely abandoned. ]
1. Chapter 1: Returns and Renovations

**Prologue: Same Old, Same Old**

**Three years after the events of Portal 2**

The woman walked through the wheat field, ignoring the pouring rain and the wind, blowing fiercely, as if it was trying to force her away. But she would not stop. She finally reached a very dilapidated shed, covered in DO NOT ENTER and WARNING: ELECTRIC CURRENT signs. She slowly approached the shed's door.

* * *

><p>"GLaDOS! Open up!" Chell shouted at the door. "It's pouring out here!" The door creaked open to reveal a camera and speaker. The speaker began to crackle as Chell stepped inside.<p>

"Chell? What on earth are you DOING here? And you CAN talk?" the AI that was GLaDOS inquired from the speaker. Chell sighed and closed the shed's door.

"Well, to be honest," Chell began, "after being in Aperture for so long, the world's been pretty boring. So I decided to come back and see what's up."

"Really?" GLaDOS said. "Do you expect me to believe that? You nearly destroyed my facility three years ago, when you put the 'Moron Core' in charge. Besides, is the world really that boring?"

"...Sort of. Mainly, I'm just so used to the adrenaline-filled labs that going back to normal life was just too normal for me. So I'll do some tests if you need me to, but I also want some chill time now and then. So?" GLaDOS was silent. Chell had escaped her tests and murdered her, then placed the moron in control. But she was Caroline's daughter, and was responsible for saving her entire facility from that very moron. And she deserved some credit for that.

"Alright," said GLaDOS finally, "but no violent rampages…etcetera." She gave a small computer sigh, and lowered the elevator. On the way down, Chell noticed that the facility was almost spotless.

"Anything interesting happen since I left?" asked Chell. "'Cause the labs look very clean."

"Yeah...I finally managed to repair all the damage that that moron – Wheaty, or something – caused when he was in control. Not to mention the facility's state of enormous disrepair after you killed me the first time." GLaDOS replied. "And how can you talk? Aren't you mute?"

Chell grinned a bit. "I didn't talk during testing as not to give you the satisfaction of getting to me," she said.

"Well, I can admire that. Oh, we're almost at the lobby." The elevator gradually slowed, then stopped at a set of steel doors. The doors opened to reveal…a brand-new entrance room, complete with moon-dust walls, black marble floors, crystal chandeliers, and portraits of Cave Johnson and Caroline. There were over twenty hallways with doors, probably leading to Aperture Science Personal Relaxation Chambers.

"I'm surprised, GLaDOS," Chell remarked, looking around. "I never thought you cared about aesthetics."

"Oh, I couldn't resist. Welcome back to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center."

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1: Wheatley<strong>

Chell sat down in the lounge area. "This is very nice," she remarked. "But I assume there are not many people here to enjoy it."

"Yes," GLaDOS replied. "At least Atlas and P-Body can test. Speaking of which, they might be able to take more punishment than you, but they're…not the best…at solving logical test problems like you used to do."

Chell sat up and looked at the camera. "Was that a compliment?" she asked. GLaDOS had almost never complimented her, aside from 'managing to pack on a few pounds.'

"Wait…" GLaDOS exclaimed, changing tack. "What's that?" Chell looked at the camera.

"What?" she asked.

"_HOMING BEACON ACTIVATED: ENTITY DETECTED… _" came an android announcer's voice.

"That!" GLaDOS replied. "The satellites have found a homing beacon from space!"

"Hey," Chell began, "could it be…"

"_IDENTIFYING ENTITY: INTELLIGENCE DAMPENING {ID} SPHERE – AND – CORRUPTED CORE._" GLaDOS, in her chamber, ran a few tests on the homing beacon's output. The result shocked her.

"It's that Space Core, and…" She sighed. "…the moron." Chell looked towards the ceiling, where a rumbling was coming from. The noise grew louder and louder until it was almost unbearable.

"Chell!" yelled GLaDOS over the deafening noise.

"What?" Chell yelled back.

"Brace yourself!" GLaDOS exclaimed. Chell got down under the reception desk. Cracks started forming in the ceiling over the left lounge. "_CRACKKKKKKKK KEERASHBANGBANGBangbangbang…*thump*_" Chell slowly rose and walked to the crater that the…whatever it was...had made. She looked in the crater that was now the lounge to see two very beat-up cores. One had a yellow eye, and the other's was blue.

"Wheatley? And Space Core?" Chell exclaimed. The blue-eyed core shifted to face her.

""Ello, luv…" it said, and promptly went offline.

"SPACE?" the other one asked.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: LOOK OUT! Wheatley's back! Crater in the Enrichment Center! SHORT CHAPTER! AAAAAAAAAH! I apologize for the too-short chapter. I'm going to make the rest a good length. But they probably won't come out until August because I'll be in camp. Enjoy this taste of my first Portal fanfic, and please be nice in comments and/or reviews. I'ts new. Bye for now - Mainstay**


	2. Chapter 2: The AIs Who Say NI

Chapter 2: Portal 2 (NOTE: CHAPTER **UPDATED** AS OF 11/9/11)

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Portal 2 or Half-Life. Any similarities to any persons, living or dead, is – You know this crap already. If I owned Half-Life, what would I be doing here? I'd be yelling at Valve employees to finish Episode Three.**

**UPDATED A/N: To my readers…again, I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update. I have a fanfiction assignment for English (8 pages and counting), a term paper, and a science fair. I don't have a lot of time. So don't review saying "OMGWTF UPDATE ALREADY!" Maybe an "Update when you can" would be more polite. I'm not accusing, I'm just saying. This has happened to lots of people.**

**This is rated T for mild swearing. There also may be drama, but not 'till a bit later. I'm deciding between that or just a random events story. Maybe both. Speaking of random events, if you guys like those, check out The Average Life at Aperture Science by Xelac. Love it! Aaaand, off we go.**

"Three years," shouted Wheatley, "three bloody years stuck in SPACE with that lunatic Space Core!" Chell sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you the last eighteen times."

Chell was in the Aperture Science Robotic Repair Bay, next to Wheatley, who was having a complete repair job done.

"Chell, I'm – "

"Wheatley. I get it that you're sorry, but every time I come in here, you say that. Either I forgive you or I don't. Aaaand, I already told you that I do. Okay?"

"…okay. How soon will this repair be finished?" Chell thought about it for a minute. "GLaDOS says that the final repair will be over in an hour or so. Just don't fidget so much."

Wheatley looked at her. "'S not my fault! I'm just bored."

"The last time you were bored, you created Frankenturrets. So there."

"Point taken," Wheatley replied, annoyed. "On a different matter, whatever happened to Space?"

"GLaDOS is having him repaired." A few seconds later, from the next-door repair bay, they heard a bang.

"Uggh…wha…AHH! WHERE DID SPACE GO?"

# # # 

After Wheatley's repairs were finished, GLaDOS reminded Chell that there was no food in the Enrichment center, so Chell grabbed a communicator and she made for the elevator.

"Wait…" GLaDOS called. "Take the moron with you."

"Alright, but why?" Chell replied quizzically. GLaDOS stared at her. "Even with my virtually limitless processing power…and neurotoxin…you seem to be the only one capable of keeping him under control."

_Can__'__t__argue__with__that,_ Chell thought, and she went to get Wheatley. A few minutes later, they were driving through the wheat field in a Jeep provided by GLaDOS. They didn't know where she got it; hell, I'm the author and _I_ don't know where she got that Jeep. Plot hole? Maybe. I just don't know.

"This is incredible!" Wheatley exclaimed, rolling around in the seat. "It's so bright and warm! And the sky…so blue and endless! No wonder humans live on the surface! I mean, why would those stuffy Aperture scientists want to live underground? It's so…open out here, and with those white fluffy floating things…er, Chell, what are they called again?"

"Clouds," Chell said to the excited core. "We'll be there in fifteen minutes or so, so lemme tell you how it's going to work. I need you to wait in the car. Don't talk to people…" _No__chance__of__that__…_ "Er, I mean don't cause any attention…" _You__know__it__'__s__too__much__to__hope__for,__Chell__…_ "You know what, just look around a bit with your cameras, and take some pictures of good stores."

"Okay, I can do that!" said Wheatley. Soon they reached the supermarket. Chell got out and went inside.

"So, Wheatley," Wheatley muttered to himself, "let's look for some good stores, shall we?" He used an optic camera to look down the street, and his eyes….er, optic, sorry…landed on a store with a red logo. "What's _GameStop_?" he asked himself. Wheatley looked at the windows, noticing advertisements for the XBOX 360 and PS3.

"Ah! They must sell video games!" Suddenly the core saw GLaDOS. "AHH!" he screamed. Passers-by stared at the car. "Oh, it's just a picture. Wait…what the…" Wheatley noticed the logo – _Portal__2_. _A__portal?_ He wondered. _Did__Aperture__ever__…__hmm__…_

Chell walked out of the store with her arms laden with groceries. "So, did you find anything interesting?" she asked Wheatley.

"Actually, I did…" And Chell listened to Wheatley's description of GameStop. Chell muttered something about entertainment, and went off to GameStop. She returned carrying an XBOX and a couple Valve™ games, including The Orange Box™ and Portal 2.

"Should keep us occupied for a few days!" said Wheatley excitedly. "I've never actually played a video game before though, so…" Wheatley rambled on about how amazing the surface was throughout the twenty minute ride back to Aperture.

# # #

"…after you MURDERED me."

"You _know_ her?"

Wheatley was zooming past Chell's room on his management rail when he heard him and GLaDOS.

"What the…Chell?" The voices stopped and Chell poked her head out the door.

"Yeah? What is it?" she asked him.

"Well, I just heard GLaDOS's voice and _my_ voice coming from your room. What's going on in there? I don't understand…" Wheatley said, trailing off.

"Oh! When I got Portal 2 from that GameStop the other day, it didn't seem like you knew what it was."

"Got that right," Wheatley confirmed. "So what _is_it?"

ONE HOUR LATER…

"This is so fun! It's just like watching ATLAS and P-Body test!" Wheatley yelled excitedly. Chell had hooked up his core to a controller, so he and Chell were playing out the Cooperative Testing Initiative of Portal 2. "But how is this game's existence even possible?"

"You're right," Chell replied. "Hang on…" She took out a radio and said, "Code 71!"

"_Code__71__acknowledged,_" the announcer's voice said. Then came a huge BOOM!

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Wheatley exclaimed.

"Oh, that was just the Fourth Wall exploding," Chell began, "I had GLaDOS set up Code 71 for if the Fourth Wall was broken during the dialogue."

"But…doesn't mentioning the Fourth Wall also break the Fourth Wall?" Wheatley asked, puzzled. Chell took out the radio again and shouted, "Code 72!"

"_Code__72__acknowledged._" BOOM!

"That code's for if the Fourth Wall breaks because of someone pointing out that it broke."

"But doesn't that _also_ – "

"DON'T EVEN SAY IT."

"Okay, okay," Wheatley sighed. "Hey," he continued, looking at the pile of video games, "what's this one called _Half-Life_?"

Chell looked at the back of the case. "I don't know. It involves Black Mesa and some guy named Dr. Freeman."

"BLACK MESA? THOSE THIEVES!" shouted a voice from the intercom. Chell and Wheatley turned back to face the TV screen, which now showed GLaDOS's core looking the most indignant Chell had ever seen an AI look like in a while. Not since POTaDOS.

"Yes, GLaDOS, those thieves. Need I remind you that just because the game features them doesn't mean the _game_ is evil?" Chell explained, annoyed, to the AI.

"Fine…" came the reply. "But I want to see this game…"

Chell set up a webcam. "Better?"

"…Just play the game."

# # #

"AAAH! What the bloody hell is that thing?" shouted Wheatley.

"A headcrab," replied GLaDOS, "it's some kind of creature that attaches to humans' heads to enslave them."

"Pretty gross," muttered Chell. She was playing the Ravenholm level of _Half-Life__2_, and Wheatley had finally seen a headcrab. Because of his…well…Wheatley-ness, he had freaked out at the sight of it. They spent the rest of Ravenholm listening to Wheatley yelling "OH MY GOD ANOTHER ONE!" and countless variations of that theme.

Finally, Chell finished Sandtraps and turned off the console. "I'm gonna take a break, I need to go do something fast-paced."

"What about testing?" GLaDOS suggested sarcastically.

"…Fine."

"Ha. Oh, you're serious."

Chell shrugged. "Why not? There's nothing much to do here besides video games right now, so I guess I'll do a few tests. But if you try to keep me in there, I'll just break out and kill you again." She smiled.

"You know how that human saying goes," GLaDOS replied, "Fool me once…"

"Shame on you. Fool me twice, you can't get fooled again." Chell finished for her.

"That's not it and you know it. Who came up with that? Wheatley?"

"Hey, don't look at me!" the core exclaimed defensively.

Chell chuckled. "Nah. It was some Bush guy about 999999 ago."

"Who's he?" asked GLaDOS. "He's not in my database, for some reason. Maybe I was _dead_ during his time." She looked pointedly at Chell.

"He was a president or something like that."

"He sounds like Wheatley."

"Yeah…"

# # #

After Chell had solved four of the badly-made Wheatley Laboratories tests ("Why do you keep these around?" "Because they're so hard to solve."), (**A/N:****Not****for****me**** – ****I****think****with****p0rtals.)** she came up with a random idea. She immediately took a lift to GLaDOS's chamber.

"Yes?" GLaDOS asked.

Chell took out a piece of paper. "I found this in a monitoring room in one of the chambers. It lists some very important Aperture research. Sigma 17, whatever that is."

GLaDOS visibly started. "That's the code for Aperture's highest-classified documents. What does that pamphlet say, exactly?"

Chell looked over the sheets briefly. When she was done, she explained, "This booklet contains detailed information about Aperture's 'Natural Intelligence' project, some kind of initiative to _create_ a human body. GLaDOS, did you know about this? This is incredible, even for Aperture!"

"I knew about the project's existence," GLaDOS admitted, "but most of the research had vanished with the Borealis. I didn't bother looking for it."

"Which brings me back to my idea," Chell said. "The booklet states that they 'cannot transplant a human mind into a NI **(A/N:****The****knights****who****say****Ni!)** body as one would a heart or kidney, but rather…' and that's all it says. The words were blurred by printer ink."

"This I can answer," GLaDOS replied. "A human mind has to be 'interred' in a Personality core, and then moved from there into a NI body, like a reverse Personality Core Creation. But then a scientist name Doug Rattmann" - GLaDOS started again at the name - "discovered that functional Personality cores were created when the human mind had fully settled in the core."

"What does that have to do with it?" Chell asked, surprised. "Does it prevent transfer?"

"Exactly. The mind cannot be removed without destroying both the core and the mind."

Chell thought for a moment. "What about corrupted cores? Lemme guess: their corruption is caused when the mind does not settle properly?"

"Again, I believe you are right," GLaDOS told Chell. "That was the only way to transfer the mind – from a corrupted core. But why are you so interested in this. We don't – oh. Oh, you have got to be kidding me…"

Unknown to GLaDOS until now, when she made her Watson-worthy deduction, Chell had stepped into the human vault that Atlas and P-Body found. A section had been designated "PROJECT NI" with a Monty Python knight scrawled next to it. Chell now told GLaDOS of this. The AI was silent.

"I was thinking we could put you and Wheatley into these human bodies. You both could see what it's like being a human for once. What do you think?"

# # #

"…"

"GLaDOS?"

"…"

"Hello?" GLaDOS, can you answer me?"

"…I don't know what to say," GLaDOS finally replied, slightly suspicious. "Why on Earth would I want to be a human? They're good for nothing but testing!"

"You're just saying that because you hated the Aperture scientists. Besides them, they're the only humans you've known besides me," Chell told the AI exasperatedly. "Look, I'm sure Mainstay doesn't want a whole argument scene," – The Fourth Wall cracks again, light begins to shine through – "so I'm just going to say this: think of it as an experiment. The Natural Intelligence Part II Experiment or something like that."

GLaDOS made a sound that sounded like a sigh. "Okay, but only for a week. If I don't think it's viable science, then I switch back." **(A/N:****WTF****Word****'****s****autocorrecting****the**** "****it****'****s****" ****to**** "****its.****" ****Isn****'****t****that****incorrect?)**

"Deal. But can you run the facility from a human body?"

"No," GLaDOS replied. "But I'm going to essentially duplicate myself, leaving the duplicate in the GLaDOS mainframe. This way…actually, that's pretty much it."

"So let's do it!"


	3. Chapter 3: Freeman Pontifex

**THE ITCH: CHAPTER III**

**Freeman Pontifex**

Updated as of 4/15/12

Disclaimer: From now on, I will not be putting one. If I owned Valve, I would be working on HL3.

"Am I doing this right, Chell?"

"Yes. That is how you walk, so can you please stop asking?"

"Alright…just, man alive! I'm so freaked out right now! Everything's blurry – AM I GONNA DIE?"

"SPAAAAAACE!"

"Try these on, moron."

"I'm not a – Oh! Glasses! Of course…should've thought of that before."

"And what are the chances of you – ow!"

"Not a moron."

"Oh really, you – ow! Stop it! Why are you both hitting me?"

"_Both_ of you, stop it _now_!"

"Sorry."

"Look, can you both just get along for a bit?"

"No."

"Okay then…"

"SQUAWK!"

"BIRD! BIRD! KILL IT! IT'S _EVIL_!"

"SQUA…"

"Lesson learned?"

"…I hate you so much."

"I'll take that as a yes. Wheaters?"

"Are you going to take out a bird again?"

"Not unless I have to…"

"Okay then."

"Good. What about you, Space?"

"Space lesson. In space. Space in – "

"OKAY."

# # #

Chell was very annoyed. As soon as the NI transfer was complete, the electricity of the transfer wing shut off because of the power required by the transfer. Which meant that Glados **(A/N: I'm gonna use Xelac's tactic of calling human GLaDOS "Glados" instead, AI will be GLaDOS.)** and Wheatley woke up in mostly darkness, prompting a scream from the latter. After the issues of standing…and walking…and blinking…were settled (see last section), the trio addressed the problem of getting out of the room.

"Why are the lights off, anyway?" Wheatley asked Chell.

"I told you," she replied, trying not to snap at him, "The transfer used a lot of power. Thankfully, not enough to require the reactors. But it still shut off this entire wing." Glados walked back from her position near the door.

"That also means the doors shut down in their last positions, open or closed," she informed them sullenly. "Which means that there's a good chance that the mantis men are loose."

"Those things are in this wing?" a very scared Wheatley yelled.

"Wheatley, shut up!"

"I was joking," Glados continued. "There's nothing that can possibly be – "

There was a sudden crash from not far off. Wheatley began to tremble. Glados stopped, listening. "What the hell…?"

"I think there's someone out there," Chell whispered.

"No, really?" Wheatley sarcastically whispered back.

"Um…we may want to keep it down for a while," whispered Glados.

"Why?"

"Our door's open."

Meanwhile, there was indeed a person – two people about nine rooms away from them. They had been forced to take shelter from a marauding band of Zombines **(A/N: See CombineOverWiki)**…in a very inconspicuous shack. The shack actually contained a very high-tech elevator, which began to descend rapidly. When it stopped, a voice announced "_Level fifty-six: Transfer rooms and medical facilities._" One of them, realizing that his suit was badly in need of a recharge, he decided to look around for somewhere to plug it in. Cocking his shotgun, he walked off through the long and twisting hallway despite his companion's admonitions.

They had been walking for about two minutes when there was an alarm, accompanied by the lights shutting off. The strange doors also fluctuated wildly, opening and closing, until the alarm stopped, and each door remained in its current state, open or closed. He heard a scream. Holding his gun close, he set off at a more rapid pace, and promptly whacked his head on a bulkhead, making a very loud noise. Shaking his head to clear it, they both ran in the direction of the definitely human scream.

Back in the lab…

"I hear footsteps," Chell muttered.

"Me too. Do we have any weapons?"

"Besides my razor-sharp wit?" **(A/N: Cake for whoever tells me what book that's from.)**

"Bloody hell, Chell, this is serious!" whispered Wheatley, waving his arms.

"Alright, alright. Um…we have…nothing we can use."

"Hm…" Glados muttered, thinking deeply. "We could use the moron as a human shield…"

"Hey!"

"Do I need to take out another bird?" asked Chell dangerously.

"This isn't the time – where would you get that from, anyway? Did Mainstay give you your personal hammerspace **(A/N: Hammerspace is like a plot hole.)** or something?"

The Fourth Wall crumbled in the distance.

"Good," said Glados, "maybe that'll distract him. Or maybe it's a zombie?"

"Don't!" said Wheatley. Glados then did a very – or too – accurate impression of a Half-Life zombie. Then she did it again. And again.

"Glados, shut – " There was a barely audible sound, like a *shurrrrk* and a beam of orange shot into the room, impaling itself in the wall after grazing Glados on the arm.

"OW! FUCK!" Glados yelled, flailing her wounded arm madly, and banging it against the wall. "****! THAT ****ING HURTS! WHAT THE – **[**_ Note: The following lines have been censored by Aperture for excessive cursing. What the hell for? I'm a big man, I like to curse; it emphasizes my point! Hey, you! Get me a ||||||| coffee! No, not you, test subject, you're doing just ||||||| fine. Cave Johnson, we're done here. _**]**

Chell and Wheatley stared at Glados in shock.

"Wow…" said the latter, "…I never knew she had such a colorful vocabulary." Chell, realizing there were more important things to worry about, looked in the direction that the projectile had come from.

"HEY!" she yelled.

"Chell, are you _insane_?" whispered Wheatley.

"Whoever it is already knows we're here, Wheatley. HELLO? WE'RE HUMAN! WHO ARE YOU?"

"Stop shouting!" came the reply. "Who are you?"

"Chell! I was a test subject here!"

"It's fine," another voice said, talking to his companion, "she's trustworthy." The two men walked into the…slightly less dark…darkness of the room. One was wearing an orange-and-grey suit with a Lambda on his chest. He had a light beard, brown and short hair, and wore glasses. The other man wore a light blue Aperture lab coat, and had a small black beard. His hair was very wild and one of his pupils was slightly larger than the other. He carried a Companion Cube on his back.

The latter looked at Chell, with a look of sorrow and slight shock on his face. "Chell…" he said softly, "I thought I'd never see you again."

"Who are you?"

"My name is Doug Rattmann. I worked as a scientist at Aperture before the Bring Your Daughter to Work Day massacre. I was loose in the facility for weeks – "

"OH! You're the guy who makes the paintings on the walls?" Chell exclaimed inquisitively.

"Yeah," he replied.

"Where did you learn to paint so well?" Doug opened the Cube and took out a small book, titled _Art Therapy_ by John Rennti **(A/N: From skellagirl's Ask Rattmann tumblr, she posted a picture of him holding it.)**

"This book. I don't know if it's a lifesaver or a life-ruiner. Anyway, this is my friend – Gordon Freeman."

"You're the guy from the vid –" Wheatley began, and Chell clamped a hand over his mouth.

Gordon stepped forward. "Pleasure to meet you. Sorry about the shot; we heard a zombie, but it was just your friend joking. You probably shouldn't do that, by the way."

"Who are these two people, on that topic?" Doug asked Chell.

"Um…" she said, "well, this may be a bit difficult to explain. Why don't we head upstairs to the lounge?"

Rattmann visibly twitched.


End file.
